#005: Lonely Thoughts Living By Myself

Today's blog is going to be incredibly short. 

It's about life and the "meta" thinking us as humans do to better understand what the fuck we're doing here.

A few months ago I moved into my own apartment. It's not the first time I had moved out of my parents house. I moved in with one of my brothers a few years back.

I ended up moving back in with my parents for a few years after but now have finally got my own place.

The reasons for moving out were a bit personal but they all centered around this one idea: I needed to be in an environment where everything was on me.

I needed to be the one responsible for every single thing. How it looked. How it smelled. How clean or dirty it was. How loud it was. How the energy in the place was. How my workspace inspired me. How my bedroom made me want to stay awake or go to sleep.  

I needed to be the sole one responsible for whether this period in my life was a failure or a success. It wasn't as much of a control thing as much as it was a "If I'm gonna go all in on this part of my life, then I need to be the one responsible of whether it lives or fails".

I've always been one of those people who thrives in a sink or swim environment. That's always been my mentality. 

While living on my own, whether or not I make rent each month is only on me. Whether or not I budget well, eat well, sleep well... It's all on me.

And that also means that however those actions make me feel is on me too. This environment is 100% my inputs so the outputs are my consequences.

If that's the case, I can live that. That's how I feel about lots of stuff but my environment is incredibly important to me because it impacts how I work, how I approach relationships with others, and how I feel.

It also impacts how I think. Because one things that is very, very real when living alone is that you have a ton of time to think - about yourself, your dreams, your inspirations, and your entire life.

And that thinking can catapult you into all sorts of emotions.

Because one of those lonely thoughts I had last night while sitting on my couch getting ready to head over to my bedroom for another night of sleep was this:

All life is... is one person's singular experience of a balance of emotions. Each person has their unique balance of emotions that they feel most centered around.

Each person has a certain amount of happiness, sadness, disgust, fear, surprise, and anger that they feel. And you need all of them because the bad ones make you appreciate the good ones. And the good ones make you do the work to avoid the bad ones.

The hard part is finding your unique balance AND what catapults each emotion to the forefront. Once you know what those catapults are, you can then know how to turn the levers up and down on each one to help control how you feel.

You're not always in control of what happens to your or around you. But you are certainly able to control how things make you feel.

Anyways, that's just a thought.

*Okay I lied, It wasn't an incredibly short blog. Not sorry.